I want to convey my deepest condolences to every person that has been effected by the tragedy in CT. To the families who lost loved ones, to the suspects family, to the whole of the United States and abroad.
At the same time I've never been so ashamed to be a human being. Have we learned nothing? Have we not seen enough horror in our lives to know that this sort of violence is not easily explained away. It certainly is not on the shoulder of one person, a group of people, a law, a gun, or the government. The answer is much harder to accept. The reason is you and me. Those who are in the mirror looking back at us. It is we humans who are to blame. We are the creators of tyrants, of dictators, of mass murderers.
Have you never said something cruel?
Have you never ignored?
Have you never lost hope?
We humans are fragile things. Egos easily toppled. And yet at times we can be the bravest, most noble beings. We always must have the answer. We must give things labels...things must fit in tidy little boxes or we fall apart.
No one knows was Adam Lanza went through..nor Nancy. They were babies, kindergartners. They lived and they died. They died in the most violent of ways. They hurt.
Have you not hurt?
Have you not suffered?
Have you never been to the brink where all is nothing and a deep black void?
Have you not felt pain where it's so deep you want everyone to hurt as much as you?
Have you never met your limit?
Have you not felt rage.
I have a mental illness. My mental illness was given to me by events in my life. Things that happened to me. Things I had no choice about.
My brother is a baby killer, a rapist, a drug addict, a pedophile, a murderer, a thief...the foulest of foul.
My family isn't. They aren't perfect. They are far from innocent. They are contributors to what my brother became.
I'm a victim, a survivor, a mom, a wife. I'm here to tell you that life will go on even though you think it can't. I'm here to tell you that pointing fingers and finding reasons brings no peace. The only way to find peace is to find it within yourself.
My brother raped me.
He abused me.
My family didn't believe me.
My family physically, emotionally, psychologically abused me.
My brother murdered a little girl on my birthday.
My brother married someone with my name.
My brother hurt the little girl sexually, physically, emotionally.
I grew up damaged in every way. But someone wound up loving me, marrying me, cherishing me. We recently lost a child to terminal illness. After everything I've been through...now this. I have two children with Autism who are my light and joy. They are not damaged. They are not broken. They don't need to be fixed or eradicated. They need to be loved. Just as anyone does. They are not psycho killers.
But society has already judged them and found them guilty. I am a their mother who has a background of mental illness and abuse. I have a murderer in my family. The foulest of the foul. But because they have Autism..they are doomed to be a repugnant source of evil to the whole of humanity.
But society forgets.
It's choice that makes us murderers.
It's choice that points the finger.
It's choice that does good.
Being kind is a choice all too few make. Have empathy when you feel apathy. Understanding when you can't understand. Forgiveness when you can't forgive. Kindness when you feel rage.
I may not have had a choice about what has happened to me. But I have a choice in how I react. How I treat others. You do too.